My Journey with Yoga: It's Been a Bit of a Stretch

As I wrap up my yoga teacher certification for vinyasa flow, I wanted to share an essay I wrote at the beginning of my training.

A little backstory:

this journey has anything but a peaceful wake-up call. More than learning how to cue postures, it paved the way for a path inward — a road is not always an easy one to navigate. I have felt sick to my core through the realizations that have come out to greet me with open arms. But I am following the map, finding out how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, accepting that it's okay to feel lost because I will be found. I am done driving along with the patterns of yesterday; I am ready to take the wheel and be present in today. There are lessons to every bump along the highway, and when fully grasped, these moments show us that life encompasses a never-ending place of experience. My forever mantra: never stop exploring, your breath is your fuel.

Here are some thoughts I had about a year ago:

Driving with No Direction

It’s usually on my way home when I realize how much yoga has changed my life. After my 9-to-5 job, sitting by myself in my car, my mind expands into all sorts of directions. It’s kind of scary, but I’m also at ease and feel compassion that was never there before I started my practice.

I was born and raised in San Diego. Growing up, I realized at a very young age that I did not fit the piece to the puzzle that was my surroundings. My parents are both from the south, where they were raised in Catholic households. They tried to instill these values in me and my siblings, which none of us really connected with. I remember sitting in mass and feeling so confused about what was happening. Who was this old white man telling me how to live my life? Why did I always have to ask for forgiveness? Should I add that I started thinking about the car sex scene in Titanic to the list? Should I feel guilty about being excited to try some wine? Do I really have to sing?

Aside from all the questions, what I really felt was a huge disconnection with whatever the higher power was. I decided at 18 to not follow any religion at all. What was the point? Then my 20s came around: stepping into a day-to-day routine, drenching myself in toxic relationships, blurring the lines between being a “girl who takes risks” and a “girl who runs away from her problems”. All in all, I was flailing; I had nothing to grasp as I fell down a spiraling staircase.

 It was about 3 years ago when I decided to give yoga a go. Immediately, I entered a space that shook the system I had been operating on my entire life. I was manifesting a flow of emotions with a flow of movement—releasing tension that was locked up in my body for a very long time. In unison, other people around me were doing the same. Their planes were different, but we were all here together, shifting together, speaking a language with our bodies…setting an intention specific to that very moment in time. I received what sitting in a church my whole youth never gave me: a ritual of connection.

Yoga has taught me—and continues to teach me—that I can’t control what’s around me, but I can control what’s in front of me. The greatest relationship is the one you have with your self, your breath. Instead of putting my destiny into a religion I don’t understand, I’m going to focus on the things I do understand—my life right in front of me. I come to my mat and always say this to myself: “you are exactly where you are supposed to be”.

Let's Pretend That It's 1997...Just for a Second...

Can we pretend that I just finished my audition to be Spice Girls’ new backup dancer? Or we can talk about how I’m wearing a Free People jacket with Helmut Lang pants…or we can discuss how I’ve been thinking a lot about “plans”—oh, how they muddle into “solutions” that need to be figured out ASAP. There’s of course a time and place to make plans, but what about paying some homage to things that were never planned?

If you told 7-year-old me that I would be making a living as a writer, had lived in NYC for three years, put together an outfit that combined Free People and Helmut Lang—I would definitely not believe you. Actually, I would scold you because my only plans until I was 15 were to master a cartwheel and one day be a zoologist. But guess what happened when I turned 15? I grew an affinity towards clothes, which was SO unexpected. I’ve been really trying to infuse this non-linear tactic of relishing on the good/bad/weird/funny/heart-breaking milestones up until this point (today)…a last-minute outfit that turned out to be beautifully bizarre. It’s not always a fun-filled time to revisit the past, but I’m putting an outsider’s glasses on as I read through my own story. There are hilarious moments, sad ones, twists, and many tears. We all have a story to tell, so start telling it to yourself. 

Today’s chapter: I put together a crazy outfit in 5 minutes that I’m pretty sure would blend me right in on the set of Orange Is the New Black.

P.S. If you wanna be ANYONE’S lover, you gotta get with loving YOURSELF.

They Said Flowers Give You Powers

Which is why I’ll never stop wearing them on my sleeve.

Can you imagine a day where we all just stopped arguing with words and tried it with roses instead? After all, they do have thorns. I’m confident that we’d reach a peaceful agreement more quickly. I’m not happy to admit that I’ve discovered only in recent years that stepping into a garden blossoms more zen than any type of quasi-self-help I’ve picked and tried as water for my foundation.

The fortress that grows right outside. Grounds covered in helping hands that embrace you in with everlasting scents, colors, textures, the list goes deep into the bushes. More and more I find myself wanting to retreat to the backyard, or front, or side. Anywhere the roots point to. Find me there.

Oh, and in other groundbreaking news…florals are for all seasons.

Going Mental About Transparency

I wanted to share a little bit about my poetry collection, Poetry with Erin, and how it’s served as my own tool of healing. This is a discussion of mental health, so please retreat it this type of talk isn’t your thing.

I used to never share about my feelings. It’s not what you’re supposed to do. I lived my life with an open mind, but deep inside, I had shut many doors. The suffering seemed to be far away. When I stopped running, this distance dwindled. Somewhere between being half full and half empty, I became a broken glass, not knowing what broke me. While the pain spilled all over inside, leaking this information was not an option. That was when I became aware that I had no idea who I was. Up to that point, my whole life felt like a cover story. I was my mid-twenties, working a dream job in NYC, and floating out of my body every day to watch a movie of this woman’s identity crisis - me. I decided to hit refresh, but in all the wrong ways. I drowned myself in work, dived into new hobbies, piled up the to-do lists, put myself out there in a place I knew I didn’t belong. I stayed here for awhile - a sequel to years prior.

Numb and alone, I finally turned to therapy. One on one with a human completely removed from my small life, I got to know my trauma. So much more than disruptions from the past that left long ago, these experiences stayed inside my body. Feeding off triggers, they nourish emotions. After the years of running away, I realized that the anxiety was trying to guide me to places that needed my attention. For the first time, I felt present on a path to heal.

As a writer in my professional life, I decided to put my pen to the paper and speak to the wild antics of this journey I know so many of us are on. I opened up my journal to the world, where sharing became a cathartic for my mental health. As I continued to write, I began to see my work as a safe space, a channel for the honesty of healing. My comfort zone has expanded to those places that I used to be so uncomfortable in. I feel okay to feel sad. I’m exactly where I need to be and so are you.

Moving forward, I’m going to be sharing a post about every poem in my current series, diving into the lines in-between and further expanding each theme.

P.S. here’s me just saying hi on the anti-social coach, where I was caught pondering on a poem!